The Hug That Says "You've Got This"
There is a kind of hug that rescues.
And there is a kind of hug that says: you’ve got this. I am right here. Now go.
They feel almost the same to give, but they land completely differently for a child.
Dr. Eli Lebowitz at Yale has been studying what he calls parental accommodation — the instinct to step in, smooth over, fix, and rescue when a child faces something hard. His research is clear: the more a parent accommodates anxiety by taking the problem away, the more the child learns that they cannot handle it themselves.
But the opposite of accommodation is not tough love. It’s not stepping back and crossing your fingers either.
It’s Supportive Presence or validation + belief at the same time.
This week, a story about parents who got that exactly right and what happened to the daughter they raised.
STORY
The Parents Who Never Said Can't
Courtesy: Barcroft Media
When Jennifer Bricker was born in Romania, she had no legs.
Her biological parents gave her up. The doctors who handed her to her adoptive parents, Sharon and Gerald Bricker, brought along a bucket to carry her in. But the Brickers refused to use it.
They already had three sons and had never planned to adopt. But from the moment Jennifer came home to their small town in Illinois, they treated her exactly the same way they treated her brothers. The word “can't” was banned in their house as a household rule.
She wanted to climb trees. They let her figure it out.
She wanted to play baseball, basketball, volleyball. They signed her up.
She fell in love with gymnastics watching the 1996 Olympics, specifically a Romanian-American gymnast named Dominique Moceanu.
By 11, Jennifer was a state gymnastics champion.
She had no legs, yet her parents had never once suggested that was a reason to do less.
At 16, she asked her parents about her biological family so her mother sat her down and told her the last name of her birth parents. It was Moceanu.
Her idol, the gymnast she had watched win Olympic gold, the person she had modeled her entire athletic life after, was her biological sister!
Jennifer went on to tour internationally as an aerialist with Britney Spears. She performed at the Palazzo in Las Vegas. She has spoken on stages around the world.
None of it was given to her. All of it was built on a foundation her parents laid with one simple rule: we believe you can. Now show us.
SKILL
The Two-Part Hug
When your child comes to you with something hard this week like a fear, a worry, a challenge they are dreading, try pausing before you respond.
Dr. Lebowitz's research shows that the most powerful thing a parent can offer is not a solution. It is a specific two-part response:
Part 1 — Validation: Name what they are feeling just to show you see it.
Part 2 — Confidence: State your belief in their ability to handle it. Directly and specifically.
So instead of: "Don't worry, I'll sort it out."
Try: "I can see this feels really big right now. And I know you have what it takes to handle it."
The Brickers did this for 18 years. Not with speeches but with a household rule and a steady belief that showed up every single day.
The hug that says you've got this will always outlast the one that takes the hard thing away.
Before you go…
We're almost at the end of August, and this community has been showing up all month. Thank you for that.
As our kids head back to school, it's a good time for a little reminder of who they are. The Awaken Your Inner Hero e-book bundle has 50 real stories of kids who owned their path that you can share one a day, plus a workbook to make it stick. Get your copy here.
As for our video this week, Jennifer's parents didn't just support her gymnastics, they helped her focus on the one thing in front of her, one day at a time. That kind of focus is what carried her all the way to the moment she met her idol.
Watch the moment she found out her idol is her sister:
Source: Jen Bricker-Bauer — official YouTube channel
We'll see you next week for the final edition of August. Here's to another week of showing up, staying focused, and owning the story you're writing.
Your friends at REK,
Adam & Matthew Toren, Sylvia Tam, and Tammy Vallieres
Our new member hub is live — free activities, conversation starters, and resources for your family. Access it here.
“I was adopted by the parents that were supposed to have me — that raised me with a mindset to do anything and to never say can’t.”