What Worried Kids Need to Hear
What if the best way to help a worried child starts with what we say?
At the Yale Child Study Center, psychologist Eli Lebowitz tried something unusual. For kids struggling with anxiety, his team worked only with the parents. The kids never met with a therapist at all.
The result? Those kids improved just as much as kids who went to therapy themselves.
What did the parents learn to do?
Respond with two things at once: This is hard. And, I know you can handle it.
Sometimes it grows inside a child. And sometimes it starts with the words they hear from us.
HERO STORY
The Speller Who Almost Quit
In 2024, a boy from California named Shrey Parikh made it all the way to the Scripps National Spelling Bee finals in Washington, D.C. He was one of the best young spellers in the whole country.
The next year, he hoped to go back. But in 2025, Shrey lost at his school spelling bee and didn't even get the chance to return to nationals.
Shrey said he was "really dejected and just very upset." He nearly quit spelling for good. But after a while, he decided to try again.
He studied for up to five hours a day. He worked with coaches. And in May 2026, at age 14, Shrey was back on that big stage.
Was he nervous? Oh, yes. But each time, he reminded himself of one thing: trust your instincts.
In the end, it came down to Shrey and one other speller in a spell-off. Each of them had just 90 seconds to spell as many words as they could.
Shrey spelled 32 words correctly. That's more than any spell-off winner ever before!
Losing didn't mean Shrey wasn't good enough. It meant he got to find out he could come back.
And notice what he told himself when he was scared. Not "don't be nervous." Just, "trust your instincts." Sometimes the words kids hear from us become the words they say to themselves.
THE TINY TRY
The Supportive Sentence
What do you usually say when your child is worried?
Most of us reach for one of two things. We rescue: "You don't have to go." Or we push: "There's nothing to be scared of." Both come from love.
Why it helps Dr. Lebowitz's work found that kids do best when they hear two messages together. I see this is hard. And, I believe you can handle it. One without the other doesn't land quite the same way.
Want to give it a try? The next time your child is worried, you might say: "This feels really hard. And I know you can handle it."
For younger kids (5–9): "Your tummy feels worried. I know you're brave enough to try."
For older kids (10–17): Keep it simple. "Yeah, that's a lot. I've seen you handle hard things before."
You won't always get the words right. Sometimes it'll come out as "You'll be fine!" That's okay. There's always a next time.
If worries are getting in the way of school, sleep, or friendships, your physician is a great place to start.
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Before you go…
This Wednesday, October 21, is Unity Day. Kids across the country will wear orange to stand together against bullying.
The supportive sentence works for friends, too. When a classmate is having a hard time, kids can say it just as easily as we can: "That sounds really hard. I'm with you."
Dr. Eli Lebowitz tells the story of a boy who needed to hear "I love you" 120 times a night, and what finally helped. The supportive sentence shows up around the 12-minute mark.
Source: Eli Lebowitz, PhD, Director of the Program for Anxiety Disorders, Yale Child Study Center
Next Sunday, just in time for Halloween: why pretending to be a superhero might help kids stick with hard things.
Here's to a week of hard things, orange shirts, and a whole lot of t-r-y-i-n-g.
Your friends at REK,
Adam & Matthew Toren, Sylvia Tam, and Tammy Vallieres
Our new member hub is live — free activities, conversation starters, and resources for your family. Access it here.
“Just keep trying. Trying is the best thing you can do, and it’s the most important thing you can do. ”